Consent and Dating

What is Consent? 

Consent is "an ongoing process of discussing boundaries and what you're comfortable with" (RAINN.)

Consent is: 

• Affirmative - communicated enthusiastically and unambiguously 
• Voluntary - given freely, not under pressure
• Ongoing - continuously discussed as need arises

When it comes to dating, there are many opportunities to consent or not. The following is a non-exhaustive list of consent best practices. Above all, remember that: 

• You can refuse or withdraw your consent at any time, for any reason.
• If someone violates your consent, it is NOT your fault 

Before Your Date:

• Ground yourself. Be mentally prepared for rejection. Understand that rejection is part of the human experience, and being rejected doesn't make you unworthy. 
  • Remember that going on a date doesn't mean you--or your date--are agreeing to any physical intimacy. 
• Know yourself: How comfortable are you with saying "No"? Does the thought of disappointing someone make you feel guilty or nervous?
  • If yes, take time to think about what your boundaries are and practice stating them out loud. You can even ask a friend to help you with a practice conversation.
  • How good are you at hearing "No"? Does being turned down make you visibly upset or angry? If so, keep in mind that this can make the other person feel unsafe. Practice responding in a kind and easygoing way.
• Set up a Safety Check-in: Make sure a friend knows where you're going and when, and set a time to call or text them by to let them know things are going well. In the event they don't hear from you let them know what steps you would like them to take.

Earlier In Your Date:

• Notice how well your date listens to you. If, for example, you turn down your date's offer for another round of drinks and they try to change your mind, or they get upset in a way they makes you feel guilty, that can be a useful insight into your date's future behavior. Smaller boundary violations like these may indicate a lack of respect for more important boundaries.
• Notice how your date makes you feel. Ask yourself whether you feel comfortable saying no. If you don't feel comfortable, make a note of that feeling.
• Notice whether you feel a genuine connection. Do they seem engaged in the conversation? Do you feel warmly towards them?    
  • Maybe you are confused because they seem to be giving mixed signals. This can be a sign that they're not yet comfortable with you or they don't quite know what they want yet. The only way to know for sure is to: 
• Ask for clarification. Sometimes you have to be a little vulnerable and ask your date what they mean, whether they're enjoying themselves, and other direct questions to gauge their interest. 

Later In Your Date

• Assess your date's ability to consent. If your date is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent, then initiating any sexual contact with them is a violation of their boundaries. This is a crime in most legal systems as well as a violation of the OkCupid Terms of Service. Do not engage in sexual activity with someone who is intoxicated, passed out, otherwise incapable of saying "No," or seems unaware of what is happening around them.
• Ask permission before any physical contact. "No" should always be treated as "No" 
  • Remember that a "Yes" to kissing, for example, is not a "Yes" to anything more than that, and that the absence of a clear "No" does not mean "Yes". 
• Communicate clearly and check in regularly. Use words and be clear. If your date asks if you want to be kissed, and you're not sure, say "No" or "Let's hold off on that." 
  
  • Nonverbal communication is valid, but it's best not to assume that your date will read your body language correctly.
• Handle rejection gracefully. The date is going well, but when you invite them back to your place they say no. What do you do? 
  • Hearing "No" can be hard, but saying "No" to someone who takes it poorly can be a frightening experience. You don't want to be the kind of person who makes someone afraid to refuse you. 
  • Take a moment to collect yourself before you respond, acknowledge, and move on. "Okay, no problem!" You might even thank them for setting a clear boundary.
  • It's important that you do not attempt to change your date's mind, pressure or bargain with them, or make them feel guilty for "wasting your time." 
• Know your rights. Remember: "You can withdraw your consent at any time, for any reason." Even if you have given consent previously. You can slow things down or stop them entirely. Any unwanted touch is a violation of your boundaries. 

After Your Date: 

• Reflect on what went well, and what didn't.
• Evaluate how you feel. Did you leave the date feeling listened to and that your feelings were considered? Do you feel uncomfortable or violated? 
• If your date violates your consent or makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe please report their profile.   
  • This includes pressuring you into agreeing to something you didn't want, overriding your stated boundaries, or harming you physically in any way. 
• Seek additional support. Please review our resources page for organizations that provide services to people who have experienced sexual assault and coercion. 

If you still need help, you can email a friendly human.