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Intersex Dating: Our Official Guide to Understanding Intersex & Creating Safe Dating Spaces

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The world of dating that most of us have grown up with, and learned about from films and books, is made for the binary world of male and female. There are plenty of people, though, who do not fit into either of those categories, and it’s important for them to feel supported in their lives, including in the dating world.

Intersex individuals are not only dealing with understanding and constructing their own gender identity, but are often dealing with the challenge of being seen as “abnormal” or wrong in some way. Poor understanding of the intersex condition also means that many intersex individuals have experienced trauma associated with their gender and their sexuality.

How can each of us make the world of dating a more welcoming place for intersex people? The process starts with understanding intersex and what it means. Read on as we discuss what intersex gender is and share top tips for dating an intersex person.

What Does it Mean to be Intersex?

A person who is described as intersex is born with gender anatomy that is not typically male or female. Instead, they exhibit a combination of male and female characteristics. How exactly this manifests can vary greatly. For example, a person may be born with female sexual organs (ovaries) internally, and male genitals externally. Alternatively, a person could have external genitals that seem to be in between male and female, and have both sexual organs internally, such as one ovary and one testis. At other times, intersex expresses as a hormonal imbalance, but with no physical traits detectable at birth. In this case, symptoms may only become apparent at puberty.

The term “hermaphrodite” was commonly used for this condition in the past, but is inaccurate and should be avoided. Hermaphrodite is a mythical term from the Greek legend of Hermaphroditus, the son of Hermes and Aphrodite, who merged bodies with a female, Naiad. It refers to someone who is both fully male and fully female, which is impossible outside the realm of divine myths. Moreover, the term carries significant stigma as a result of previous use, and so is generally considered offensive. 

Around 1.7% of the population is born with intersex traits, which is comparable to the number of people born with red hair.

Until very recently, the standard model for treating intersex infants and children was surgery to assign the infant to either male or female — the gender determined by the medical practitioner — and then reinforcement of the surgery through hormone treatment and parenting approaches. 

However, this has led to many circumstances of intersex people growing up with significant confusion around their gender identity since their proscribed gender does not align with the gender they feel is appropriate for them. The surgery can also result in loss of sexual sensation and painful and confusing sexual encounters for intersex people, who often weren’t even informed about their intersex gender. To avoid this confusion and potential trauma, many organizations are fighting to let intersex babies grow up with the intersex gender intact. 

What Is Intersex Gender Identity? Is Intersex a Sex?

Intersex is a term that describes individuals who, genetically, do not fall within the traditional binary categories of male and female. People who are intersex may consider themselves male, female, or non-binary. Non-binary is a general term that encompasses a varied range of gender identities that are not exclusively male or female.

What does intersex gender mean for the individual? A person may use the term to refer to their genetic gender at birth while currently considering themselves to be male or female. Or they may use the term to refer to their gender assigned at birth and their current gender as a third gender.

For example, an intersex person could be born with female external genitals and feel she is a woman, but her intersex internal reproductive organs means that she is unable to become pregnant. She would probably classify herself as female rather than non-binary, but of course all gender and orientation options are available to her so that she can select the one that feels most authentic. 

Another intersex person may be born with both male and female gender characteristics and feel like they embody each gender at different times in their life. They may refer to their gender as intersex, non-binary, or third gender.

Third gender meaning: people who do not identify as male or female but rather as neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.

If a person considers their current gender to be intersex, they may choose to use gender-neutral pronouns such as they/them, rather than gendered pronouns such as he/him or she/her. They may also use non-gendered or intersex pronouns created specifically for the non-binary community such as ze/zir/zirs.

It is important to note that the intersex gender is separate from sexual orientation. Intersex individuals may be exclusively attracted to either men or women, or they may be bisexual or pansexual. You can read about the various sexual orientations here. Gender identity and sexual orientation are mutually independent.

What Are the Different Intersex Definitions?

Let’s take a quick look at types of intersex conditions, which will also help us to understand the genetics of intersex people.

  • 46, XX Intersex - This is a person with the chromosomes of a woman and the internal anatomy of a woman, specifically ovaries, but their external genitals appear to be male.
  • 46, XY Intersex - This is a person with the chromosomes of a male, but their external genitals are incomplete, ambiguous, or female.
  • True Gonadal Intersex - This is a person who has both ovarian and testicular tissue. For example, they may have one ovary and one testis. Their external genitals could be ambiguous or appear either male or female.
  • Complex or Undetermined Intersex - These are people born with a chromosomal imbalance. For example, they could be XO, which means they were born with one X chromosome but no accompanying chromosome. They could also be XXY or XXX, which means they are born with an additional X chromosome. This does not tend to affect the internal or external genitals but can influence the levels of sex hormones and overall sexual development.

While these four terms provide umbrella groups for understanding intersex conditions, there is significant variation within each. So far, more than 40 manifestations of genitalia, hormones, internal anatomy, and chromosomes have been officially identified by the medical community. The expression and experience of each intersex person is unique.

Intersex vs Transgender? What’s the Difference?

There is quite a bit of confusion around intersex and transgender, and they are often erroneously lumped together.

Most people who identify as transgender or transsexual were born typically male or female, but they feel like their gender identity does not align with their gender at birth. Meanwhile, intersex people were born with both male and female gender elements.

Since many intersex individuals were subjected to gender assignment treatment as infants, it is not uncommon for them to feel like their real gender does not align with the gender that was assigned to them. Because of this, intersex and transgender individuals often share the fact that they are discovering and exploring their gender later in life. Both groups may choose to take action, such as hormonal treatment or surgery, to align their external appearance with the gender they identify with.

Is Intersex LGBTQ?

As is the case with any individual, no matter their gender, some intersex individuals are LGBTQ intersex while others consider themselves cisgender (identify with the gender they were assigned at birth) and straight. 

However, some intersex people feel they have shared experiences with LGBTQ individuals in terms of trying to fit into a society where they do not align with the dominant gender norms. For this reason, some LGBTQ groups will also work proactively for intersex rights. The acronym LGBTQI is used to include intersex individuals.

Dating an Intersex Person - Top Intersex Dating Tips

Intersex people are just as interested in dating, finding love, and gaining sexual satisfaction as everyone else. However, the dating field can be more challenging for them as they defy expectations and are often confronted by discrimination and intersexism. But we can make the dating world a bit easier for our intersex partners by doing a few simple things that help us to accommodate and consider their needs.

Here are our 8 top tips for intersex dating:

1 - Educate yourself

Take the time to educate yourself about what it means to be intersex, and what it doesn’t mean. Read about the experiences of intersex people, but remember that everyone’s experience is unique. If you have a level of awareness, you will feel more confident and prepared when it comes to intersex dating.

2 - Start with an open mind

While you may have done your research, go into each new relationship with an open mind. Everyone’s personal experience is different and will depend on how their intersex characteristics express themselves, their individual gender identity, and their personal life experiences. Don’t assume that you understand the other person’s experience because you have done a little reading.

3 - When in doubt, ask

While we would all like to know how to treat our partner the right way instinctively, your past experience might not have prepared you for everything you will encounter while dating an intersex person. Don’t be afraid to ask and talk about issues. It is better to do this than risk doing or saying something that is unexpectedly hurtful to your partner and that could permanently damage your relationship.

However, it is also important not to push conversations if the other person doesn’t want to talk about certain topics. Some topics may be sensitive for a partner, and they may need to come to them in their own time. Or they may feel like it is not their job to educate you or be called on to justify their experience and feelings.

4 - Learn the terminology

Learning the vocabulary will help facilitate conversations with your partner about being intersex. It can also help you avoid verbal mishaps, such as using the term hermaphrodite incorrectly.

5 - Be patient

Remember that many people who fall outside gender and sexual norms often face considerable discrimination, even from their own families. For this reason, you might find that intersex individuals are unexpectedly sensitive about things you may not think are a big deal. You might also find that they need more time to become comfortable with being intimate. 

Be patient and understanding. Remember that what is happening is not about you, so you shouldn’t take it personally. Rather than getting upset, work with your partner to see how the two of you can start creating positive experiences.

6 - Prioritize communication

While communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship, it can be especially important in an intersex relationship. Often we assume that people have experiences that are similar to our own, and think and feel in a similar way. But an intersex person can have considerably different life experiences, so in order to come together, you need to communicate clearly, openly, and honestly.

Check in with your partner regularly and ask them how they are feeling, if the relationship is working for them, and whether there is anything you can be doing to support them. They will appreciate the opening to talk without the risk of being judged or inadvertently starting an argument.

7 - Remember that intimacy is about more than sex

What your intersex partner can do with their bodies, and what they are comfortable doing with their bodies, may be different from what you expect. But remember that traditional sex is not the only way to be intimate. Explore how you and your partner can enjoy intimacy in a way you are both comfortable with.

8 - Don’t obsess about it!

Remember that their gender is probably the least interesting thing about the person you are dating, so don’t obsess about it. Spend your time getting to know the amazing individual in front of you!

Questions About Intersex

Facts about intersex that answer some of the most frequently asked questions about the intersex gender:

How common is intersex?

The intersex gender is more common than many people imagine, with about 1.7% of the population having intersex characteristics. But this number includes any individual born with variation within their gender. The number of people born with differences between their internal and external sexual organs is only around 0.02% of the population.

How does marriage work for intersex individuals?

Like anyone else, intersex people can fall in love and commit to a long-term relationship. Whether they can legally marry, however, depends on the marriage laws where they live. Non-binary people will often still marry, but in many cases are forced to select one gender or the other in order to do so. Whether they will be able to marry their chosen partner also depends on the laws that exist where they live.

Are intersex people asexual?

Asexual is a sexual orientation that describes a person who experiences very little or no sexual attraction to others. Anyone can be asexual, regardless of whether they are intersex or not.

However, it is worth noting that some intersex people are pushed toward asexualism because the gender assignment surgery they received when young removed their ability to feel sexual sensations. The surgery can also make sex painful, which can significantly diminish the individual’s interest in sex.

Can intersex people have sex?

Intersex people can have sex, though differences between their sexual organs and their gender mean they may not always be able to have sex in the way they might wish based on what they have learned about “typical” sexual activity. However, there are many other ways to be intimate with a partner and share pleasure.

Can an intersex person get pregnant?

If an intersex person is born with a functioning uterus and ovaries, in theory they can get pregnant. But they often encounter problems when it comes to carrying the baby to full term. However, there may be treatments that can help them, or they can use a surrogate.

Intersex female dating often requires having conversations about protection to avoid unwanted pregnancy.

Is intersex the same as ambiguous genitalia?

While ambiguous genitalia can be one of the expressions of intersex, it is not something that all intersex people have, so the terms should not be used interchangeably.

Using OkCupid as an Intersex Dating App and Site

At OkCupid, we have been working hard to make our app a safe and welcoming place for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. We have included over 60 different genders and sexual orientations to help people express themselves with clarity and make the connections they are looking for. 

We also work hard to let you protect your privacy and block anyone you don’t want to see your profile. We have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to abuse, and you can report users anonymously for anything you consider abusive or threatening. We want OkCupid to be a safe space for all.

This is why OkCupid is the number one intersex dating app for all genders and orientations and considered among the best intersex dating sites. Download the app today and see what’s possible.

Download OkCupid now to find your perfect match.

 

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